My son wishes that I never existed, and I wish the same to my father and him on his father before him. Each one of us felt pain in our hearts even though we never felt it on our bodies. Well okay. Dad and I did but I stopped that chain. No more abuse but we feel something else or nothing at all at times.

Because of me, my son hides his true feelings, I never wanted that. Because of me, his emotions are hidden. Because of me I broke his heart and he only wanted a father. No different than what I wanted and my father wanted.

I hate drinking and so did my dad. I have raised Zac on the fact of addiction but that does not seem to be stopping him.

My heart and mind wonders how I got here and why.... why did he follow me here? If you take this song and put it to a son and father you might just begin to get it. Throughout our generations we have never stopped. We love hard and large and we try to forget how much it hurts.

In each generation we believe that we are going to be different. We see what we feel and try to change it but life holds us close and takes us in and soon we fall and make excuses. Where does the grip of faith let go and faith take hold?

All I ever wanted was a hug but you left me alone. I stood there crying and you told me to be a man. I was six DAMMIT! You were selfish and I pray I never did that to my boys. You gave so much love to my sisters and left me out on the curb. There was something always missing and it was you.

I hope my boys don't feel this way but at times I hate to love you.

You all know me better when I am out of my mind. Today I decided to open a new blog to deal with myself. Hi. My name is Scott and I am an addict. Today I just drink but my past says otherwise. I am not a bad man but I am lonely. Every day is a battle and it is getting harder every day.. I lost so much as a child and even more as a man. A man, yeah, okay!

So now this is my little house of horrors. I will share to friends the truth I have hidden but I am tired of running. Today I want to share. I figure this is my own little place and I welcome a friend to comment and even slap me back to reality. I welcome old friends and new.

I know this one might be a shocker but I love you all (old friends) and I hope you do not leave me any more alone than I already am.