Today I am feeling a little down. I have been trying to say something but the words escape my mouth. So let's go back to Pink to bring the message through.



I am lost and wanting. I fell today but I want to get up once again. I want to feel the freedom on my face and in the palms of my hands. I no longer want to be alone; I feel you walking next to me and holding my hand. No more am I alone, we walk as one. I love you.

I will let the songs tell my day. If you don't want to watch than don't.


I am no longer a brick. I am a stone that keeps rolling on. I remember the brick, the pain of the chisel and each thrust it laid on my soul. Today I want to be free and you allow me to feel the wind on all sides and give me happiness. I feel freedom as you release me. Today, I am no longer one I am many.

I had a few conversations with my boss, Ron, yesterday but only over the phone. I was still very weak from this past week but am starting to get the food to stay down. Ron is willing to help along with several other friends.

However I have to say goodbye to a good friend. I have shared many lonely nights with you. You have been here with me in good times and bad but you are not good for me. You have lured me away from my friends and family while making me feel secure. I will miss you but this is no life for someone that wants to live and be truly happy.

Slowly I am turning away from my old life and this is hard because I have been living this way so long that people don't recognize me when I am sober. I will leave this baggage behind and do my best to live a full life. I know it is easier said than done but I am worth it. I am sorry for anything I have done to hurt anyone else.

So I've lost it for the last time. Tomorrow I get to march myself into work and let the man I have come to know as friend save me from myself. I don't know how I fell this far but I finally cried out. I NEED TO BE RESCUED!

I don't know if that is the right way to say it. I don't need rescued, I need help. I can't keep doing this to me. I know I have issues but they are not special or unique. Everyone has issues. Sure I have health problems but I have seen some amazing people right here survive some tremendous odds.

When I put my pride aside and look at the man I have become it saddens me. I don't want my friend to cry when she sees me destroy my hope. I see the pain in her eyes as she watches the pounds drop from my already slender frame.

I guess my problem throughout my life is that I loved so deeply and never once saw it in return. I still see that man sitting blindly in a dark corner of the house, grasping his bottle and wondering why. Why can't I feel the love that I gave so openly? Than again, was I the selfish one?

Here in the near future we will all find out that answer. As of last night I am not allowed to go back; there is nothing left back there. I hope Annie was right about the sun because I am going to need a little help this time.

Again I was misunderstood. I have become comfortably numb; an all to familiar place. The voices are crying out but I refuse to listen. They taunt me until I give ground for them to stand, they are coming for me. I find myself whimpering in a pee soaked corner filled with hysteria. The demons want what little is left of my mind as the darkness closes in on my young life. I take hold until I feel the snap of reality escape my finger tips and at that moment I discovered I would always be on my own.

The closet was the beginning of my dependency of people. Don't get me wrong, I lived life large but simple things in my mind rocked my world. I understand why I can help other people through stressful times and crumble on a simple decision but I don't know how, lost a few to feel about that.

My sisters stuffed the Army wool blankets in front of me and continued to play. The heat rose in that little closet and the air was depleting fast. I can still feel the heat bursting from my face as the tears streamed all over my face. I thrashed about trying to get out of hell. I remember the struggle and the frantic beating and tossing of the blankets as I worked my way to the door. I was one blanket away when my mom came for me.

No more hide-n-seek for me! I am hard to startle. I am comfortable but I don't know about numb anymore. Life has changed and I lost a few bags along this journey. I am proud but I still remember.