I haven't felt a desire to expose myself for many months but this one is eating at me. I am having several problems and being out of work is the least of my problems. Seven weeks ago I was released from an 18 year service from a greedy company. At times I play with my granddaughter, and she is grand, other times I sink in to the abyss of depression.

I have had some good friends here that are really giving me space but hauling my butt back to the top. My friend and land lord is impressing upon me to get a dog. He feels a little friend would get me out of the house. John was disappointed that I let Giggie go to a better home. Basically, I think my friends want to beat me for being so selfish with my life and I agree.

When I was growing up I never thought about being alone in my forties. I wanted a home and a family. My dogs running in the back yard and waiting for their treats and the sneak of meatloaf under the supper table. I never saw myself unemployed and living in a motel...and so many other thoughts.

What happens when you begin to lose faith and it is staring you in the face and you just can't see it anymore? When do we learn to walk away? My friends have been wanting me to live the life I am capable of, to live right. I think I would like to prove everyone right, however this will be next Spring, sorry. I need to do this right.

Nobody is going anywhere soon, right? I get my poop in a scoop and get my job back and then next Spring will be fun.

God bless you all.

This early morning, Zac and I were in my living room sharing. For years we lived the emotions that go behind this song. If you do not want to listen than don't bother reading because the meaning will be lost to you. Em is angry but he doesn't hate, just see my side for a change. That is what we did today.



I gained so much with the time I spent with my son this morning, yet I lost emotional ground and I'm fighting back, from the beginning. Zac and I talked for hours over videos; videos that explained or lead into conversations that allowed both of us talk. When he left, he was comfortable, that is the way we have been growing. I know there are many more issues we both are going to work on before we are really good with each other, however this is still light.

Now, for cleaning out the closet, I don't want to hurt anyone but there was to much that wasn't right. As a child, all I ever wanted was to make my parents proud but I could never do enough. My sisters never had to try! I was under the gun to be the man from the get go; all I wanted in the end was to get going! I learned everything military and wanted to be dad. I learned how to cook, clean and raise children for mom. Dad always thought I was a fag because of what I learned from what I learned from mom. Mom always thought I was a bum because of what I learned from dad.

I suppose I am a loser, because I believed in both of my parents when they never believed in me. I lived a life thinking I was the wrong one. I never knew, until these past few years, that they both had their vices. All well hidden to me, even though my sisters knew.... ( You, didn't save me from anything.)

I remember every hurtful word, even though you don't, and that changes everything. I guess that is the hardest part of life. I forgive but I never forget and there in lies the rub!

I wonder if Jake will ever forgive me for him being a child and let him go to his mom. Will Jake ever love me again or did he forget me? No word from him in years and a few problematic situations that make me want to crawl away and pull the rock back over me.

I made alot of wrong choices but I had to let them alone. Live today and for tomorrow. On a personal note: Don't let anyone bring up your past to remind you of your future. I know history and how it works, but that is not life.

I am going to end this on a positive note:

Never judge your life on what other people expect, rather judge your life on your accomplishments and pray for more.

Keep the Faith~ Cuddle

Knowledge is power but what kind of power. Do I really want to know more than I already have, in a world of madness. I learned more in one week than I have in two months of college. I mostly learned about human behavior, my forte.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on me over my lifetime, however it was like looking at a calm lake after skipping a stone. I never saw the things in all their possibilities. There is that possibility that I do see more than I want to know.

I wonder who or what I run from at times. Is life as complicated as I make it out to be, am I am to simple to follow a straight path?

Yes this post was full of loaded questions but I know one has the answers, if not many.

   Beaten, bruised and confused  through a long day protecting you from yourself. Lost in the streets only to find each direction pointing anywhere but home. Yesterday's hope is tomorrow's sorrow when you realize the sun never shines on a shadow.  Softly yet slowly I hear you pick up your feet and walk forward out of the darkness. You revealed your face, your heart and soul in that one moment but never said a word.

   Never really given a chance; I rest but for a moment and come to your side once again. You never ask for help but your eyes look for it. You never say a word but your heart cries when your eyes are closed. I can't fly to your side because I am always there but your hand never receives it only takes.

   Open your heart and feel my daily pain. Open your ears and hear the cries. Open your eyes and realize what you are doing. One heart can change a life, one life can change a soul and one soul can change everything.

  For now I just go to rest.

 

Why does pain have to hurt so deep? Why does love touch your skin so gently and entwine every fiber of your being? Why is it that on a clear day our minds are clouded with memories of yesterday?

I was clearing out yesterdays memories when I came across a box of thoughts of you. Inside were thoughts of you and and bottle of your scent. I sprayed it all over the house and there you were again. You sat on my lap and hugged me. We talked for hours in each others arms. I remembered that long snowy walk down main street when you wore my hat. Pulling you up so close and kissing your warm lips. I miss you baby. At times I am sad but mostly I'm just alone. I never thought I would miss you so much.

I've been sitting here smelling you in my memories. There is a calmness that passes over me just knowing that once I knew you. I still think that there was something more there for us but I guess that is all there will be. That is the best it will ever be but there will be more for me. I hope life has a better place for you.