I had a few conversations with my boss, Ron, yesterday but only over the phone. I was still very weak from this past week but am starting to get the food to stay down. Ron is willing to help along with several other friends.

However I have to say goodbye to a good friend. I have shared many lonely nights with you. You have been here with me in good times and bad but you are not good for me. You have lured me away from my friends and family while making me feel secure. I will miss you but this is no life for someone that wants to live and be truly happy.

Slowly I am turning away from my old life and this is hard because I have been living this way so long that people don't recognize me when I am sober. I will leave this baggage behind and do my best to live a full life. I know it is easier said than done but I am worth it. I am sorry for anything I have done to hurt anyone else.

So I've lost it for the last time. Tomorrow I get to march myself into work and let the man I have come to know as friend save me from myself. I don't know how I fell this far but I finally cried out. I NEED TO BE RESCUED!

I don't know if that is the right way to say it. I don't need rescued, I need help. I can't keep doing this to me. I know I have issues but they are not special or unique. Everyone has issues. Sure I have health problems but I have seen some amazing people right here survive some tremendous odds.

When I put my pride aside and look at the man I have become it saddens me. I don't want my friend to cry when she sees me destroy my hope. I see the pain in her eyes as she watches the pounds drop from my already slender frame.

I guess my problem throughout my life is that I loved so deeply and never once saw it in return. I still see that man sitting blindly in a dark corner of the house, grasping his bottle and wondering why. Why can't I feel the love that I gave so openly? Than again, was I the selfish one?

Here in the near future we will all find out that answer. As of last night I am not allowed to go back; there is nothing left back there. I hope Annie was right about the sun because I am going to need a little help this time.

Again I was misunderstood. I have become comfortably numb; an all to familiar place. The voices are crying out but I refuse to listen. They taunt me until I give ground for them to stand, they are coming for me. I find myself whimpering in a pee soaked corner filled with hysteria. The demons want what little is left of my mind as the darkness closes in on my young life. I take hold until I feel the snap of reality escape my finger tips and at that moment I discovered I would always be on my own.

The closet was the beginning of my dependency of people. Don't get me wrong, I lived life large but simple things in my mind rocked my world. I understand why I can help other people through stressful times and crumble on a simple decision but I don't know how, lost a few to feel about that.

My sisters stuffed the Army wool blankets in front of me and continued to play. The heat rose in that little closet and the air was depleting fast. I can still feel the heat bursting from my face as the tears streamed all over my face. I thrashed about trying to get out of hell. I remember the struggle and the frantic beating and tossing of the blankets as I worked my way to the door. I was one blanket away when my mom came for me.

No more hide-n-seek for me! I am hard to startle. I am comfortable but I don't know about numb anymore. Life has changed and I lost a few bags along this journey. I am proud but I still remember.

My oldest son told me the other day that his brother tried to commit suicide. For anyone that knows me, I work with Zac, my oldest son. My youngest, Jake, lives with his mother by his choice. There is no love lose between brothers and none between Robin and I. I continue to impress upon Zac that love for his brother will come but just give it time.

After last week I don't know if he has that time. Jake is to young for this. He has no beliefs and no realities. I taught him the right way when he was here but he is not here anymore. I can't hold my baby and love him and tell him everything will be alright.

I never wanted my boy to get lost in this maddening world. He was suppose to be my little lover. The one that carries hope in his heart and love in his smile but he lost that. I still have no idea why because I can't get in contact with him but that is no surprise.

Every day I hold a special prayer for him in my heart. I don't want him to get lost in this world and forget that people love him, no matter what he is in life. Just to have him in life makes another day worth living. I know he knows of my trials, kinda, but I don't want him to have the same life.

I did at one point decide that life was no longer worth living. After my divorce I lost it for a year. In the first few months I lost everything. I lost my wife and married life. I lost my kids not just moving but the law told me to stay away. (They were nice because I knew them). I lost friends and a reason for living. I had nothing and every motion I made was for someone else. This was no longer life. I had no hope, no faith, no love and no trust. Life as I knew it was lost and forgotten and so was I.

I love Jake and I know his pain bu I pray he will talk to me before he takes the other path. Okay, let me just say this. Alcoholics have a choice, suicide leads down a lone path alone.

The sun gives warmth to the day as you give warmth to me. I live and breath because life flows and the winds change. Every season touches the soul in the same way God touched the Earth and opens the womb of the Earth. So many children and more to come. One large family and we are never forgotten as long as we are known.

I bridge the gap to remember what love was and where it is now. I look into her eyes and I know I will never lose her. She is not a woman but an angel that lives deep in my soul that allows me to love. It has never been about the person but the spirit within that brings two people together. Each longing for an answer and waiting for the other. Time is not kind but rewarding if you answer the call and go forth to greet it.

If you sit one the side of the road waiting for the parade of life that means you are not in it. You may not be the best at that time but if you wait for it to happen to you all you are going to see is the crap that was left behind. Life really isn't that hard if you live by the code. LEARN, LIVE, TEACH. It really is that simple.

As for those of you that learned the wrong way there is lesson 2B. To be what you feel in your heart is right, then go to step 3. People like me, we go to 2C. A life class that when we went to step three and made mistakes we needed this lesson again. We find that it is a harsh lesson in life. We then need to go forward and change the ones we love from learning from our failures. Hard lesson to learn all the way around.

No one is perfect but perfecting one's self is life.