This early morning, Zac and I were in my living room sharing. For years we lived the emotions that go behind this song. If you do not want to listen than don't bother reading because the meaning will be lost to you. Em is angry but he doesn't hate, just see my side for a change. That is what we did today.



I gained so much with the time I spent with my son this morning, yet I lost emotional ground and I'm fighting back, from the beginning. Zac and I talked for hours over videos; videos that explained or lead into conversations that allowed both of us talk. When he left, he was comfortable, that is the way we have been growing. I know there are many more issues we both are going to work on before we are really good with each other, however this is still light.

Now, for cleaning out the closet, I don't want to hurt anyone but there was to much that wasn't right. As a child, all I ever wanted was to make my parents proud but I could never do enough. My sisters never had to try! I was under the gun to be the man from the get go; all I wanted in the end was to get going! I learned everything military and wanted to be dad. I learned how to cook, clean and raise children for mom. Dad always thought I was a fag because of what I learned from what I learned from mom. Mom always thought I was a bum because of what I learned from dad.

I suppose I am a loser, because I believed in both of my parents when they never believed in me. I lived a life thinking I was the wrong one. I never knew, until these past few years, that they both had their vices. All well hidden to me, even though my sisters knew.... ( You, didn't save me from anything.)

I remember every hurtful word, even though you don't, and that changes everything. I guess that is the hardest part of life. I forgive but I never forget and there in lies the rub!

I wonder if Jake will ever forgive me for him being a child and let him go to his mom. Will Jake ever love me again or did he forget me? No word from him in years and a few problematic situations that make me want to crawl away and pull the rock back over me.

I made alot of wrong choices but I had to let them alone. Live today and for tomorrow. On a personal note: Don't let anyone bring up your past to remind you of your future. I know history and how it works, but that is not life.

I am going to end this on a positive note:

Never judge your life on what other people expect, rather judge your life on your accomplishments and pray for more.

Keep the Faith~ Cuddle